


Can't Fix Me

by akingman



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Drabbles, M/M, Multi, a series of fics based on Andrew's sessions
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-21
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-09-23 01:28:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20331793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akingman/pseuds/akingman
Summary: Andrew and Bee's sessions written in drabbles. These are mainly just head-canons and in no way reflect upon canon or Nora's work. These are merely personal and indulgent.





	1. Living / Nightmares

**Author's Note:**

> :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it's so short, I do plan on adding to it and editing it in the future. But the others do get longer, I promise! Thanks for reading!

The hot chocolate Bee had offered him at the beginning of their session grew cold on the table between them. Every morning was different for Andrew. Some nights he went without nightmares and woke up exhausted from practice. Then the day starts off average. Other nights he has nightmares and these have several different faces to match the hands. Those mornings after leave him breathless and groggy. Often he stays in bed curled up in his blankets and waits for it all to go away. It drains his energy and puts a damper on his attendance. Andrew doesn’t care enough about how it affects him to seek alternatives for his night terrors.

Last night had been one of those nights and the morning had been worse. Neil tapped on his door twice before getting the message. He knew that Andrew was usually up bright and early. He’d curled up on his bed and forced his eyes closed for an hour before he gave up on getting any more sleep. He was restless so he had gotten out of bed and poured himself a cup of coffee. He took a shower and found something to pick apart to feed his hunger.

“Andrew,” Betsy said  softly  to draw him back into the conversation. He couldn’t figure out what they had been talking about and look at the clock. It said it had been fifteen minutes. There wasn’t much time to their session left yet there was a lot to unpack.

“I felt like a human vegetable, Bee.” Andrew felt the words pull at every nerve in his stomach. “And you know how much I hate vegetables.”

Betsy gave him an encouraging smile and wrote a bit in her notebook. She looked up and gave him a nod. “What else happened?” 

He started picking at the skin on his fingers one by one and digging his nails in to keep him present. His slouch matched the irritated scowl on his face and he hunched over in his seat to stare at his hands. He’d started picking at his hands recently, something Neil had pointed out in earnest.

“At practice the new recruits were being annoying, as usual,” Andrew said with a flourish of his hands in the air. “Jack brought something up about Riko,” he explained, “But he almost put hands on Neil and that was it. I don't care what he thinks but the moment he uses his hands I will not tolerate it anymore."

Betsy caught onto his wording and shifted in her seat across from him. She took a moment to sip her own hot chocolate and thought about what she would say.

“Why don’t you care about what they think?” She asked rather than pointing out that the words had gotten to him and that he did care.

“Why would I care what other people think? They aren’t the ones I have to live with, I’m the only one I have to live with.” Andrew replied with scorn.

“You care about what Neil thinks and you care about what Kevin thinks you can do. You care enough about Wymack’s opinion to change your act for the team.” Betsy said as if Andrew wouldn’t reach across the table and choke the words out of her.

“They are different.” Andrew said.

“And the other foxes?” Betsy asked. 

“They’re a side effect from living with the idiots.”

“I’m glad that you acknowledge that you’re living. It’s very hard to admit to oneself that they’re doing the one thing they never thought they could. It’s an incredible improvement.” Betsy said, because it was what Andrew needed to hear.

“Me too, Bee.”

“Alright, Andrew. Next week, same time?” 

“If I have to."

“Have a good rest of the day.”

“Yeah, yeah.”


	2. Abandonment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Andrew talks about abandonment. Future and present tense.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel so terrible for not writing anything as of late, but for almost a whole week I was doing something important. I just recently settled down again and some feelings came up tonight, and I decided to work with it. It's not as fleshed out as I'd like, but it is a drabble and I'm a little exhausted from writing it. Hope you like it!

Andrew tried to find something interesting in picking old skin off his fingers. One leg crossed over the other. It felt unnecessary and his feet felt numb up to his knees. Betsy was calculating every breath he took over a cup of hot chocolate. His eyes moved to the window over her shoulder and rested there while he tried to collect his thoughts.

“How do you feel?” Dobson asked.

Andrew would have scoffed if this had been his first week of sessions. He’d grown past the childish denial, or at least he’d tried to. It was hard to fake anything when Betsy knew him so well. Too well, even.

“Angry. Upset. Sad. Scared.” Andrew replied and wet his dry lips with his tongue. He averted his eyes because he knew she was watching him and it still made him feel uncomfortable.

“Scared?” She asked, latching onto his last thought. She took a long sip and settled into her chair again.

Dobson moved when she was thinking. When she was listening she was as still as a deer in headlights. She was creating a formula that told her what would the risk was for setting off her patients. She was analytical but not so sane that she didn’t understand how his brain worked. She moved not because she wasn’t still listening, but because her brain was working. Staying still made her frustrated and restless. It was easy to imagine Betsy was on some part of the spectrum of ADHD that she’d taken care of over years.

“Why are you scared?” She wondered aloud, not for his benefit or hers, a generic question. It was up in the air between them.

Andrew tried to think of an answer that wouldn’t give him away too . He knew Betsy would give him the time to figure it out. She never rushed their sessions or tried to scoot to the final point in which she wrapped everything up.

“They all leave.” Andrew said and waited a beat to continue, because Betsy was still and hadn’t moved. “You spend so long being alone and forgotten. Sometimes you’re lucky enough to find someone keep you happy. You put trust in that person, you tell yourself it’s going to be different. You listen when everyone tells you it’s okay and that they’ll stay. And then they don’t. They leave and it hurts.”

“You expect to remember not to hold on too tight next time, and the time after that. Then you have people you don’t want to let go of. You know they could leave and you’ve worked so hard on making sure it’ll be okay when they do. And you tell yourself it’s for the best. But it still hurts, knowing they could leave, that they will. And I hate that I need to expect it, that I have to accept it, and that it’s going to be okay when it does. It hurts too much.”

“I let go of Aaron and Nicky. I let go of Wymack. I dd it because a part of me knew they couldn’t stay. I held onto the belief that they’d come back and I worry they wouldn’t. It hurts me every day that they aren’t here and I know it will continue to hurt. But Neil-”

Andrew stopped. He felt winded. It was like the words were spilling out of his mouth without hesitation and he was out of breath. He glanced up to see if Betsy would respond. She hadn’t moved an inch and Andrew could see that her wheels were starting to turn.

Instead of asking a question she took a tentative sip from her cup, which was lukewarm by now. She gave Andrew a small nod.

“Neil is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. He’s good and he’s here and he says that he’ll stay. But I’m scared that he will, and I keep telling myself to expect it, to know it will happen and I’ll be okay because of it. But I’m terrified of how much it’s going to hurt. I don’t know if I’ll come back from that. And I know. I know what they say. ‘You’ll be okay, you’ll meet others’ and you’ll tell me that it’s a good experience being with someone. And making memories. And that letting go will feel good after. I’m scared of feeling that way, Bee. I don’t want to. Like a child again, not wanting to let go of that shiny and warm object. The thing that keeps me grounded and safe and happy. I’ve lost a lot of things and I’ve seen people walk out without knowing if they’ll come back.”

Andrew glanced down at the table and up at the clock to see how long he’d been rambling. He took the water off the table and drank from it. He collected his thoughts.

“If the day comes and he needs to leave, and if I need to let go, I will. I’m scared of the pain even when I’ve gotten so used to it. And I know I have to do it. I’m scared.”

Andrew looked up again and could see that Betsy was trying to hide a grim expression behind her glasses,. She looked sad and Andrew wanted to pull the expression from her face.

“It’s okay to fear,” she said, shifting so one leg crossed the other as she mimicked Andrew’s sitting position.

“It’s a tough thing letting others go, especially when we love them.” Andrew didn’t try to correct her. “And you’re right. It’s hard but we need to learn to let go so we can hold these precious memories. You have to trust that these people can choose to come back, and you can’t control where they go or how they feel. It’s understandable as someone whose dealt with abandonment. You fear rejection and loss. Yes, it’s good that you recognize this fear. It will get easier in time but the best thing you can do for yourself is live in the now. You are with Neil now, you still call your brother and Nicky now, you are making these memories now. We never knew what will come of the future no matter how hard we try. I understand the need to know and to protect that future and those around you. But focus on now, instead. Learn to cherish these days and remember how they feel, so that later you can look on it. If you worry so much on the later you will lose track of the progress and the choices you are making now.”

Andrew swings his foot in the air, moving his ankle in circular motions to wake it up. He’s listening and remembering what Betsy told him about deep breathing. He breathes in through his nose and exhales through his mouth. A couple of times. Three, four. He counts and notes the objects around her office. His anxiety becomes duller and he feels his shoulders relax. The sting in his eyes is familiar.

“Write in your journal all the fears you have about abandonment. Ask yourself why you feel this way, and jot down the ways that it will make you feel. And then I want you to write the good and the bad, in a column each, and make bullet points. I want you to tell yourself as many good things as there are bad. I want you to leave knowing- don’t give me that look,” she said with a hint of amusement, “Remember that you will be okay. I want you to call your brother and your cousin and spend time out of your day and spend more time with your loved ones. If you feel comfortable to, speak to Neil about how you feel. Try not to make it about the other party’s decision and try to alter it, but let him know that you’re thinking of the future. Don’t ask for validation. Enjoy the moment and keep making progress. The future is the future, Andrew. It’s a scary thing to think about but it can be good. You can only make it better by focusing on the present. You’ve done a wonderful thing today by sharing your fear with me. And Andrew?”

Andrew’s standing from his seat and tracking Betsy’s cup as she sets it down. He looks up at her when she addresses him and waits.

“People who care will stay, so take good care of them. And I will always be here.”

“Don’t always me.”

“If there’s anything else you’d like to cover I could steal a few more minutes before my next appointment.”

“I have to go.”

“Have a good day Andrew. See you next week.”


End file.
